23 July 2003 - 1:32 p.m.

Okay, the VH1 Icons list is a load of poohockey, that's a given. But let's examine exactly why they got things so wrong. For my purpose, saying someone is too low means they should be closer to #1, and someone is too high means they should be closer to #200. From the bottom, working our way up, here we go:

Beavis & Butthead should be way higher than 192. People still recognize their names, and for those of us in our 20s, "Fire, fire!" is inextricably linked to B&B. People dressed up as them for many Halloweens, which is one of VH1's criteria. I'd put them around 120.

Winona Ryder only 183? For me, Winona is the actress that defines my generation. Molly Ringwald played a teenager before I was one, so I always identified with Winona. To put her lower on the list than Reese Witherspoon is insulting to anyone over the age of 25.

How are the 3 Stooges only #167? By my regard, they created the goofy, slapstick brand of comedy that made allowed Dick Van Dyke (#145), Robin Williams (#79), John Belushi (#75), Mike Myers (#61), Jim Carrey (#48), and Lucille Ball (#4) to make it their own and carve careers for themselves. How can you put the pioneers of physical comedy at #167 and then have 6 people that copied them higher than they are?

Let's talk about Ms. Diana Ross at #165. First of all, she is the original Diva. Without her & the forgotten Supremes; along with girl groups like the Ronettes, Martha & the Vandellas, and the like; women don't have nearly the place in pop music that they do today. So to put Ms. Ross at 165 and then put Gwen Stefani (#142), Shania Twain (#98), Celine Dion (#64), and Britney Spears (#20) above her on the list is ridiculous. She must still be current and recognizeable, because 'Friends' just made a Supremes joke on their season finale.

Batman is only 158? Always the misunderstood superhero, the Dark Knight is far too low considering he has lasted 50 years, and that my dad watched him on TV and so did I. I'd put he & Robin at 75.

Prince is frickin' 137, Dick Clark is 130, Charlie Chaplin is 126 but Rudy Giuliani is 111? Before 9/11 people hated Giuliani. Watch SNL, which is another of VH1's benchmarks. They didn't fall in love with him until 9/12/01. Granted, it was a very difficult time and he handled it miraculously and I'd vote for him if I could, but there is no way he's higher than three men that defined music and films for the entire 20th century.

Don't even get me started that Bruce Willis is 121 and Ben Affleck is 119. That makes no sense, considering the role that gave Ben mainstream success was in Bruce's movie. Bruce has Moonlighting, Die Hard, Hudson Hawk, and the whole Demi thing, while Ben has Good Will Hunting & J.Lo? What a crock.

Hugh Hefner at 136? So, you create a men's lifestyle magazine and push the boundaries of the 1st Amendment more than anyone before you. You create an international multi-media conglomerate consisting of magazine, TV shows, video, restaurants and websites. You're a recognized figure throughout the world, and your logo is everywhere. However, you are not an Icon, Hugh Hefner. Sit down and move to the side so Whoopi Goldberg (#135), Sarah Jessica Parker (#120), and Justin Timberlake (#112) can move to the front of the line.

I am nauseous now, so join me tomorrow when I finish this crappy little list.

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